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Oliver

Oliver
My therapy dog

Welcome to The MS Chronicles!

Thank you for visiting. This blog was created by me, Cristen Salter, for other MS patients and their families in order to help them and myself cope with and face this disease. All information that are not personal experiences are thoroughly researched and cites are created in link or reference form. If you have a burning desire to ask me a question, please do so at cristen.salter@gmail.com. Enjoy and I hope you glean comfort, education and room for compassion for all those who suffer from this disease.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

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You all know I have MS. I have had it all my life. I always, in the seat of my soul, knew I had something, just could not put my finger on it. I searched for years, saw every psychic and guru, doctor and healer, and found no answers. I had a silent, unspoken expectation that they would find this thing tugging at the seat of my soul, but ironically, in 1996, just before I was to get married to #2, my right side went numb (neck to foot) and a psychiatrist of all professionals told me I had two options - 1) test for MS or; 2) take Prozac, go home, and call him if the numbness went away. A month later it was gone, I left #2 (hence the "runaway bride" nickname) because I felt it was not right. He actually agreed and we are still friends as he is a great guy.
I moved to LA that year and became a costume designer for independent film. The incident of numbness was long forgotten, but boy did I play! And yes, with boys! Working boys, doctor boys, lawyer boys, acting boys and stunt man boys. In between I worked, which made me so much better at what I did. I had found a passion, and it fed upon itself positively!
No fun was spared. If I saw a great time, I dove in to it vigorously, no matter what kind. I was on a mission to release my inner judge and jury, as well as that conservative person my parents tricked me into being. I said no more, meant it, and lived my life without restraint.

All good things end, and film moved to Canada. I moved laterally to management, which brought back the staunch, stale, monotone and conservative person. What a shame, eh? I lived that way for 4 more months in LA and could not stand it; I had to move. There were 2 openings in the company - one in Baltimore (the other armpit of the USA, LA being it's twin) or Seattle. Off I went to Seattle and had even more fun. Oh the fun I had there. What a great place; but eventually the weather gets you and you either die or leave, so I went to Maui and lived there for a year.
I have lived in NYC, Long Island, Atlanta, LA, Seattle, Maui - and now Denver. I had a calling to come here 4 years ago and now I know why. There are many small reasons, but the large one was to change my life. To shift my thinking and get to my purpose. To find out what was driving my anger and resentment that I carried for 9 years and denied existed.
While in Maui, I decided I did not want to stay in management; what a thankless job of self flagellation. I decided to go into law, and I was in school at the time, so I changed my major to legal studies. It was not long after I came to Denver I was a paralegal in general law. I became REALLY good at it, and decided law school it is. I was then diagnosed with MS, which perplexed and scared me more than anything, but i met it with relief and dread.
I worked for 5 attorneys for 3 years and they retired, so I went to Florida for a month and came back and found a job with a very bad attorney. The previous attorneys were "AV" rated attorneys (the highest rating you can get) and REALLY brilliant men. This man was a dumb ass that was in it for the money. AV attorneys know that they are nothing other than the protectors of the Constitution. Period.
Long story short, dumb ass constructively discharged me in September of '09 and assaulted me out of his office for asking for an accommodation; a schedule of 8 hours per day. I was working 10-15 at the time and getting sicker. I am in 2 lawsuits with him and he appealed my unemployment. Yes, he is an asshole, but in order to hold him responsible for his actions, I had to forgive him. More on that in a minute.
During my legal request under Colorado statute, he illegally asked me to get tests unrelated to my job function. One of them was a neuropsychological test that measures cognitive function, which showed I was mildly impaired. Unfortunately, when I brought it to a social worker in March, she looked at all my tests, told me I was in denial about my disease and that I could never be an attorney.
I could never be an attorney. The room spun. I got angry. I stood up, grabbed my tests and left. I went home, called a friend and said, "send the cianide, it's time for me to go." I got into the child's pose, stayed there for an hour and told the universe, "This is it. I am tired of the fight. I am tired of the disappointments. I am tired of going to bed every night and praying for death and waking up to the disappointment of being alive for this idiodic thing you call life. I can't do this anymore. You have taken the last thing away from me that I could hold and have hope in. If this is all it is, I am done."
The next day, I got an e-mail from my friend Dee. It was for a presentation about how to finish old emotional experiences. I went. It saved my life.
The man who led it, Tom, told of how he got vets to finish old emotional experiences from war which caused PTSD. Many of them MANY of them never got help; they simply killed themselves due to survivor guilt, images they saw running around in their heads and other painful emotions they could not cope with. I raised my hand. He called on me. I asked, "Do you deal with death wishes?" he answered, "How long have you had it?" and without thinking, I blurted out, "All my life". He then stated, "Yes."
I called his company and they gave me a scholarship to his upcoming 5 day workshop in late March. I went every day. I raised my hand. Finally, I pulled him aside and told him, "I want to work with you. Not one of your trainers, not one of your groupies, you. I was desperate; I knew if he did not work with me I would die.
He called on me the next day. I had such a profound experience that myself and 150 others thought they were abducted and brought back to earth.My life has shifted and so has my attitude. I cannot believe the things that have come into my life since. The largest gift is peace. My head no longer chatters on and on and on and on. Then there is forgiveness. I finally, authentically have forgiven my parents. I forgave the lawyer, and now I know the difference between justice (holding a person responsible for their actions) and revenge (using justice to force an outcome or teach a lesson). Now I can be a good attorney, like the attorneys I worked for when I came here.
The moral of the story - if you want your life to work, you have to work at it. Accept and love yourself and love yourself. Then comes abundance. Then comes that person you align with. Then come all the things you desire.
Did I mention I met a great guy? An authentic, real, down to earth, honest man? Yeah, he is one hell of a gift. A keeper. Tom was the first person to break through my intellect to get to the seat of my soul. Lyle broke through my fear and found his way to my heart. Funny things is, nothing else matters; I know it will all come to me the more I stay on my path.